Regaining What's Lost
by Sky Blue Hunter's Soul
Summary: Rin finally beat Haru at prefecturals and he should be happy, right? So why is it that he still can't get his former friend out of his head? What do you do when you finally realize you've made a huge mistake? Post Episode 7/Episode 7 AU/BoyxBoy/RinHaru/Sharkbait: Don't like don't read!


I do not own Free! - Iwatobi Swim Club or any of its characters. I just make them do things for fun.  
This was written post-episode 7 but I haven't had the courage to upload it until now. My friends kept pressuring me- love you guys!- aaand so here it is. Yes, I know that it's somewhat inaccurate after 8. But we were all so upset that I had to right the wrong!

I wake up with a start from another one of _those_ dreams. I'm beginning to really hate them. It's been a month since the prefecturals and _still_ I can't stop thinking of Haru. I had really hoped that finally emerging victorious would clear my mind of my obsessive thoughts of him but if anything, it's all gotten worse. Now he even impinges on my sleep. He's a silent specter in my dreams, a quiet monolith that never moves or speaks, just stares at me with eyes gone dark and cold. He's accusing me, I know this, but night after night goes by without me knowing why he looks at me like that.

Makoto's called sixteen times in the past month. He leaves long, pleading messages I stopped listening to after the first. Nitori just deletes them as soon as they come in now.

Kou texts my phone relentlessly but according to the backlog of seventy-two texts I've ignored most of them. It's only the ones titled something like 'Mom wants to know...' or 'Family get-together soon,' and the worst, 'About your captain,' that I open and read.

Nagisa showed up one day at the dorm, much to everyone's surprise (including the glasses-boy he'd apparently dragged with him, who had assumed they were headed out for buying swimsuits and lunch, if I heard right) but especially mine. Worse, his genial demeanor dropped when I opened the door. His smile was gone, wiped away, and those normally sparkling pink eyes were narrow and dangerous. And dangerous isn't a word one associates with Hazuki Nagisa.

He poked me in the chest and in a quiet tone snarled "Rin-chan you are making a huge mistake and you're not the only one suffering for it. Have you _thought_ about Haru-chan at all?"  
_  
Every day,_ I almost blurted. _All the time._

Instead I exhaled sharply through my nose and leant against the doorframe. "You people won't leave me alone about him. How can I not think about him? Why do I care that Haru's moping about because he lost? He ought to just get over himself-"

I never saw it coming. I'm pretty sure no one would have seen it coming. The crack of the hit sounded very loud in the ensuing silence and I had to turn my head back to the shaggy-haired blonde, reeling. His hand was still raised, chest heaving, and damn me if he wasn't absolutely incensed.

It still stuns me to this day. Nagisa actually slapped me.

His voice was low, furious. "Do you even _know_ how he feels about-"

But Speedo Glasses (Rei, I think?) grabbed at his (our?) friend's shoulder. He'd gone bright red and his glasses had slipped a bit but he looked more panicked than anything. "Na- Nagisa-kun, let's just go. We don't have long before the train leaves and we can't afford to wait for the next one."

God, the blonde was literally trembling with anger. I don't think I'd ever seen him this mad. I don't think _anyone_ had ever seen Nagisa this mad. Still, the blue-haired boy stubbornly insisted on leaving _right then_ and slowly Nagisa's hand dropped back to his side. He turned more toward the open half of the door and bowed stiffly to a stunned Nitori. "I apologize for intruding." He ground out, and then he turned and stalked away.

"N-Nagisa-kun!" Rei called after him, seemingly surprised at being suddenly left behind. Then he looked at me and frowned a bit and adjusted his glasses.

"You should talk to Haru," he told me quietly, bowed as well, and rushed after the shaggy-haired blonde.

I growled after him but he'd already gone, yelling Nagisa's name, and I was left to hold my stinging cheek, fend off Nitori's worried inquiries, and wonder what the hell had them all so worked up.

* * *

It's been a week since then and once again I've woken up from dreaming of Nanase Haruka. What is _wrong_ with me? I've finally beaten him. After all these years I've finally completed my goal so _why_? Why can't I stop thinking about him? I groan and dig the heels of my hands against my eyes. Sitting here is getting me nowhere. I swing my legs out of bed and get up. I hurry through the shower and getting into my track suit, tying my hair up before it's dry simply because I can't _wait_ any longer because the longer I sit here the worse the thoughts get. I grab Nitori's MP3 player on the way out (he may be kind of clingy but the kid does have good taste in music) and crank up the volume, intent on drowning out the others' accusations.

I can't believe I jogged here.

The neighborhood started to look familiar a few minutes ago but I couldn't place why. Now I know. This is near where Haru and Makoto live. I used to come here all the time to play at their houses when I was little.

I can't believe I jogged here.

Dammit, even when I try not to think about him my body still goes straight to him. I stop in the middle of the sidewalk and run a hand through my hair with a hard sigh. What kind of idiot am I? Do I really want to see him so badly that I come here unconsciously? I suppose it's more than possible. Everything I've heard from the others indicates something seriously wrong with Haru. And, as I've inferred from Nagisa, it's apparently my fault. This is probably just concern on my part. Not a selfish need to see him. Not at all.

I blink, regarding the stairs in front of me, wondering when they got there because last I knew I was- I sigh. I got lost in thought and once again my wayward feet led me somewhere. This time, to the stairs leading up to Haru's place.

I'm such an idiot.

There's a noise, a somewhat questioning noise, from further up and I halt my staring contest with the foot of the staircase to glance up.

Immediately my heart leaps into my throat and I find I can't swallow. I don't know what to say, what to do. And Haru just sits at the top of the stairs and watches me watch him.

The first thing I notice about him makes me cringe. His eyes. They've become so... dead. The blue, the cobalt that I've always admired, is gone. In its place is a sickly, murky blue shade that may as well be black.

Suddenly, without that blue, without _Haru's blue_ in my world, I don't know how to function.

What have I done?

The question gusts across my blank mind and with a shudder all I can think is, _I've broken him._

Haru's broken and I'm the one who tore him apart.

* * *

No wonder the others were so upset. He looks like hell. Like death warmed over. And worse, he looks hollow. His hair is a mess and his clothes are dirty but somehow all I can think is 'How did he stay away from water for so long?' The question's stupid and I want to slap myself but all it would do is add to the list of stupid things I've done today so I do nothing. I stare at him and he stares at me, those hollowed eyes almost-but-not-quite questioning why I'm here. Damned if I know.

I cough awkwardly and he finally blinks, registering the noise. "Haru. What, umm..." No, stop, he lives here, why the fuck would I ask him what he's doing here? "How have you been?" _Stupid question, dumb fuck! Look_ at him!

He doesn't respond. He just shrugs. Slowly his gaze goes back to the ocean at my back.

Something else, say something else! "Makoto told me you won't swim anymore."

Oh god no. I don't want to know the answer to that.

"...no point." He says at length, voice rusty with disuse.

Fuck.

"Because I beat you? Really? You've given up swimming because of that?"

Dull eyes meet mine and I shudder. It's not _right_.

"...you won't come back, even if I do. What's the point?"

God. Shit. Dammit. My heart hurts. Seeing him like this... It hurts. It's so completely _not right_.

"But Makoto and Nagisa still need you on the team, right? What about them?"

"You were the important one." He whispers.

Son of a bitch, I can't breathe. He's killing me. I don't know what to say. What _can_ I say? 'Well, I won't be coming back, but please, swim anyway?' Yeah right. He doesn't care anymore.

It's not right.

"Look, Haru-"

It's not right.

"Nanase-kun."

It's _not right_.

"Wh-what?"

He stands, ignoring how loud my frantically beating heart must seem in the yawning space between us, and turns away. "If we aren't friends, then you have no right to speak so informally. It's Nanase-kun."

My knees feel like they might give out on me. I'm trembling all over. My heart's pounding so loud in my ears I can't hear. I feel so weak.

"Haru, no, it's not like that-"

"Nanase-kun." He repeats mechanically and something deep inside me breaks.

"Dammit, Haru, I can't _deal_ with this!" I shout.

He bothers to glance back but _I hate those eyes_ and all I want is _Haru's blue back_ and before I can think it over more carefully I'm just spilling it all.

"I can't- I couldn't stop thinking about you, Haru! I thought that if I finally managed to beat you and surpass you that I'd stop thinking of you all the time but-!"

He's turned around and come down a step. "But?"

There's a quiet hope in his voice that _kills_ me but the spark of light in his eyes soothes me and god, I'm so conflicted.

I hang my head, shadowing my eyes against him because he's killing me with this strange hope. "...but I haven't. You're all I think about. Every day. All the time. Hell, I dream of you, Haru. I don't know how to make it stop..! I thought that it was because I needed to beat you to fulfill my father's dream and that would be the end of it-!" I need to breathe. He was getting closer and it was making my head spin. "I thought beating you would free me from this torture but Haru, it's gotten worse. I can't- I can't deal with this anymore."

One stair above me now. "Rin."

"Save me," I begged him. "Somehow, some way, save me from this."

"Rin."

I looked up and my heart stopped.

The setting sun striped him with yellow and orange and shadow from the street lamp and _god yes_ his eyes were shining brilliant blue. He leaned toward me, head tilting and fingers trailing back over my jaw and his hand cupping my neck and I can't breathe again he's killing me he's-

He's kissing me.

The tension in my shoulders unwinds and that allows me to lift my arms and thread my fingers into his short hair and hold him to me, just where he is, because now I'm not sure I can let him go again. I'm not sure how long we stand there but when Haru finally pulls back I'm panting for breath. He's not. But I guess that shouldn't be surprising. There's some coy cross between a smirk and a genuinely happy smile on his face and his eyes are that shade of azure I've been dying (without realizing it) to see. My arms drop back to my sides as my brain eventually decides to catch up with my hormones and wonder what the hell just happened.

Haru kissed me, I realize. And I didn't mind. With a blush I rescind that. I liked it. A lot actually.

Haru clasps my hand in his and smiles at me and for a delirious second I beg any god listening to let him kiss me again.

"Let's go for a swim," he says and starts tugging me down the stairs.

"What, now?" I squawk, stumbling after him. "I don't wear my swimsuit twenty-four-seven like you do!"

He stops. "I can lend you one."

I snort and brush past him. "Boxers'll have to do. Let's go."


End file.
